How To Complain Without Being A Pissy Bitch

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Stand up for yourself man! Quit letting folk wipe their shitty sneakers on your brow and man up!

An artful, appropriate and well-placed complaint will improve the quality of your life, get you free stuff and let the world and its inhabitants know that NOBODY FUCKS WITH YOU!

But if you complain wrong, or your complain too much, or you complain ineffectively, you’ll be damaging your own (already slightly soiled) brand and will be labeled by All Those Who Matter as “just a little bit too negative to be much fun”.

So here’s How To Get A Grip’s Definitive Guide to Complaining For People Who Aren’t Great At Complaining Or Are Unfailingly British And Polite.

Read it and reap.

1. Get Over Yourself

If the prospect of “complaining” is an anathema to you, then rethink it.

• Correcting a wrong order in a restaurant is not complaining.
• Telling the wedding photographer that you don’t really like his photos is not complaining.
• Replying to any question with “yes” or “no” is not complaining.

A complaint is an expression of dissatisfaction. A gentle correction or giving a straight answer to a question is not an act of complaint.

2. Pick your fights.

Some things are really important, but important things are a small subset of all things. If you’re inclined to kick up an almighty fuss over the hotel laundry losing a sock, or your hairdresser running five minutes late, you’ll spend your life angry, miserable and in the sole company of cats.

Relax. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

3. Act immediately.

You’ve picked an important battle – one that matters to you. Bravo.

Now deal with it immediately. Passion and ire are quickly diluted, and the chances of getting a happy resolution to your sticky predicament diminish with the ticking of the clock.

Problems become less important with time, but complaints lose their vim and vigor when allowed to go stale.

4. Be VERY specific about your complaint.

And communicate it even more clearly.

This is not a time for being passive aggressive. this is not a time for insinuation, this is not a time for rhetorical questions.

• Do NOT say, with a sarcastic bent, “Excuse me, does this look acceptable to you?”
• Do NOT say “Hello? What is this, exactly?”

Instead say:

• “Excuse me, I am particularly unhappy that there is a caterpillar in my tofu burger and find it not only unacceptable from a culinary standpoint, but also representative of intolerable animal cruelty”, or
• “Right, the pebble-dashed lime-azure fabric sample you showed me was entirely unrepresentative of the end product. This slightly grubby and grey Persian rug is neither the correct color nor of sufficient quality. The thread-count is lacking and I feel as though I have had the camel-hair wool pulled over my eyes.”

5. Complain to the right person

There are only two people who should hear your complaint.

The first person to complain to is the person immediately in front of you, whether it’s the waiter, the aromatherapist, the dog-walker or the tax collector.

They may say “it’s not my fault, I’m just doing my job.”

To which the correct reply is “I appreciate that. However, as a representative of the organization, and as somebody who is standing in front of me at the moment, I hope that you will be able to resolve my thorny and important issue to the best of my satisfaction.”

(You may like to add “squire” or “ma’am“‘ to the end of that sentence.)

Nota Bene: If the person immediately in front of you is your wife, or your friend Shirley, do not vent your frustration on them. That is not complaining, it is bitching.

If the first minion you mention your misery to is unable to help, GO IMMEDIATELY TO THE VERY TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN.

Whilst the CEO of Big Bank Ltd might not be interested in hearing from you, or speaking to you directly, if you let him know that you are unhappy, he will tell one of his under-appreciated and under-paid underlings to deal with you. Whilst they will be very happy to ignore you and fob you off as much as possible, they will not have the luxury of telling their boss to “get over it”.

Shit trickles downwards. When the big guns are shaking it off their shoulders it sticks to the people who answer their phones for them.

6. Remain calm and concise

Now is not the time to get hissy or pissy or emotive. You will not win.

When you shout at people, people shout back at you.

If you’re met with a particularly petulant or perfidious person who proclaims “It is unlikely I can help you. What precisely do you expect me to do about it?” be VERY SPECIFIC about the outcome that you would like.

• “I would like you to take this bowl of tripe away and replace it with one that has been properly cleaned.”
• “I would like you to give me a full refund.”
• “I expect you to offer a bunch of marigolds to my disappointed mother-in-law who has flown all the way here from Zanzibar and wasn’t able to participate in the line-dancing due to your negligent disposal of banana-skins.”

DO NOT GET PERSONAL.

“I insist that you polish my Hummer with the underside of your scabrous tongue, you incredulous cretin,” is a bad thing to say under any circumstances.

7. If that doesn’t work, GO APESHIT

This is a potent last-resort for experts only.

Nobody likes a headache, but they’ll put up with a niggling throb in the temples. The minute the headache transmogrifies into a fully-blown migraine, however, they’ll do ANYTHING to get rid of it.

So go postal. Fly off the handle. Blow a gasket. Stampede like a demented three year old on whizz and kick up the biggest shit-stink of your life.

Be unreasonable. Be vocal. And don’t be afraid to embarrass yourself.

He who shouts loudest gets the winz -> This is GUARANTEED.

8. When you get what you want, say thanks.

After all, nobody likes an ingrate.

***

And that’s it. How To Complain. May you use this advice sagely and infrequently.

Good luck, amigo. You rock.