You know that thing you do where you get home, exhausted after a day of shuffling Very Important Documents for Very Important Clients? The kind of day when your boss has been bellowing halitotic insults in your direction every three minutes and you entertain sadistic fantasies of refashioning his face with a stapler?
The thing you do when you’ve been on your feet since six in the morning, your Humvee’s blown a tire and you’ve spent three of the last four hours cleaning up cat sick?
You know, that thing.
The thing where you sack off a proper dinner, and you and your wife stick a plastic carton of chicken jalfrezi in the microwave, open a bottle of Chablis and collapse in front of the TV?
GREAT, isn’t it?
The. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your day’s burdens drift effortlessly away as you fill your stomach with Delhi’s finest foodstuffs, and your mind switches from ‘on’ to ‘off’ in the time it takes Eva Longoria to stroll minxily down the stairs in her claret negligée.
Bliss.
But you know that other thing? The elephant-in-the-room-thing? The one that you don’t talk about for fear of making it worse. The one where you …
… HAVEN’T HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE FOR MONTHS?
Yep. Thought so.
THE TWO ARE CONNECTED. If you spend the evenings mindlessly shovelling food into your gormless gob, you will have less sex.
***
You say:
“Sure, but but but, it’s nothing to do with our eating habits. The bedroom and the kitchen aren’t connected. The most sex we’ve ever had was on our honeymoon and THAT’S NORMAL. We don’t even want to have more sex. We’re TIRED at the end of the day. No energy. We work hard. Sure, we might collapse in front of the idiot-box, but even if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be actually, you know, sleeping with each other. That’s for teenagers.”
I say:
Whatever.
***
So this is how you have more sex:
Irrespective of your shitty day, of the bollockings you’ve got about missed deadlines and not bringing in more clients, irrespective of the size of your tax bill and weight of your kids, do this:
- Turn your chicken jalfrezi out of its packaging, stick it on a plate, and set the table for two.
- EAT AT THE DINNER TABLE
- Have a conversation.
- Don’t fall asleep with your plate on your lap (much easier if you’re eating at a table).
- Retire to the bedroom after a scintillating and thoughtful conversation that reminds you why you’re married in the first place.
- Initiate some sweet loving and annoy the neighbours with your amorous yelps.
No Nookie = Vicious Circle = No Nookie.
Alternatively, keep eating semi-prostrate and enjoy a barren future, a widening posterior, chronic constipation and diverticulitis. Oh, and no sex.
EAT MEALS SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE AND HAVE MORE SEX
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Secret to my blissful marriage:
Work Out, Eat Right, Sleep, Communicate know when to make love and when to f*ck.
n’uff said.
Brilliant! Like Kevin Bacon on his marriage to Kyra Sedgwick: “You gotta keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.”
For some it’s the TV. For us, it’s the damn computer! WHY oh WHY are we so addicted to these stupid things?!? New house rule-nookie trumps checking our dumb email box. Informing husband now…
Ha – definitely! Cut your TV viewing in half, eat at the table, go to bed early….
True dat.
I love this! I also love Darren’s comment of “…know when to make love and when to f*ck.”
I wish more men truly knew this.
Well said my friend. Married young, stopped at two children, both grown and out of the house, took a new job, and moved 700 miles away. 46 years old and doing it in every room in the house again. We’ve found the fountain of youth and it’s great.
HA, you people are hilarious- and this is bullshit. I am in agreement that more sex should be had, but the problem is the instant a woman is locked down into a long term relationshit she adds about 30 pounds and stops caring about what she looks like. Add kids into the mix, and you are riding the train to fatty town.
clearly you know different women than I do
Yep Chris, *that’s* the problem. Because you sound like the kinda guy who makes an effort for his lady, who then wants to make an effort for him. Check out that vicious circle bit in the article again fella. Oh, and your choice of the words ‘locked-down’. Nuff said?
Haha yeah Chris it’s entirely us female’s fault. If an extra 30 pounds on a girl turns you off then I hope you’re prepared to be alone for the rest of your life. Weight gain in women happens for lots of reasons. I’m not saying that it’s excusable, because being a healthy weight should be a priority, however you need to consider that a woman who has gained weight probably already feels like crap about herself, and it doesn’t help that her husband/boyfriend makes it into a lame excuse for not having sex with her. Women always care what they look like, but they are going to put much less effort in if they don’t get compliments or at least shown appreciation for doing their hair and makeup, and to no surprise that’s probably why the women you’re with don’t seem to care.
What if it’s not the weight that’s the problem, but the topic of conversations. When I get together with the Mrs (i.e. we’ve got little-un in bed, bought in a chinese & a bottle of red, and are eating it together AT THE TABLE), I’m sorry but I don’t want to know about her best friend’s kid’s sports day. I say that I don’t mind what we talk about (clearly a lie by my response), but I want US (yes a conversation is like a game of tennis, sometimes the man has to be allowed to return!) to talk about things that are at least relevant to the two of us, like how her day has been and how she felt about different things that occurred, instead of mindless rubbish in such minute detail that it puts me ‘out of the mood’. If you want your man to perform at all (let alone knowing whether to ML or F), then don’t talk shit.
Hands up who else is completely unsurprised that Terry Tibb’s wife does not want to have sex with him.
OR – Eat right after sex when you will have a voracious apetite anyway !
I tried that, but kept falling asleep and spilling soup on my balls.
Try this – have sex before dinner. An empty stomach is a recipe for much more energetic and creative sex and a great way to work up an appetite!
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