1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow
Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out.
And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning, you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem.
2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, so you can too
Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT, amigo.
21 year old lifestyle design guru? Hell yeah! Fat, unemployed life-coach? Why not? Homeopathy professional? Whatever, bring it on!
Choose your path, and then Act As If You’re Wearing A Cape.
3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you
Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now. But I bet you are.
4. It’s OK to piss people off
But if you’re pissing everybody off, all the time, it’s time to quit being a fucking asshole.
5. Aspiration is for suckers
(arf)
6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time
So lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.
We men lie about our alcohol consumption all the time.
When we’re young and say we had six beers, we probably only had three. Nowadays, if we say we only had three beers, you can be sure it was closer to six.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love you
7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves
There was a little man with a lame left leg. He lived on the outskirts of town in a tumble-down house. He had a hole in his roof, and water would come in day and night. His lame left leg meant he couldn’t go out to work, so he survived on the charity of others, who would give him scraps of food. Sometimes he would go for two days and nights with nothing to eat. One day, the town council decided to fix his roof. The little man with the lame left leg became the happiest person you have ever seen. He was so grateful to be dry that he would smile and sing for the passersby all day long.
***
There was a healthy, beautiful woman who lived in a huge house with six servants and manicured lawns. But alas, she was permanently angry, because Jeannine, that bitch, had told her that her handbag was so last season.
8. Your family comes first, but not to the detriment of everything else
You want to go out with the girls? Tell your husband to make his own dinner. And gents, you don’t need permission for that once-a-year trip to Vegas, you just need to communicate it properly.
9. You’re wrong as often as you’re right
So don’t dwell on either.
10. Men should never wear wigs
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Agreed with you until #10. Have you see Chris Farley’s wig falling off in a skit with Adam Sandler on SNL? Comedy gold!
OK, Shay. Good point. Men should never wear wigs unless for comedy purposes.
are you talking about me?
Excellent advice, excellent advice. Keep up the good work! =)
Thanks David. You’re a good man, because you tell me what I want to hear(!)
What a lame article.
*puts hands on hips and shakes head while smiling*
Oh, you.
I think we grew up on different planets. I don’t agree with a number of your ideas which I think are crap.
Ben Koshkin
I think we grew up on different planets. It isn’t necessary to sign your full name twice (or even once) on the internet; it is definitely probable that no one cares. See #3.
Ben Koshkin
Great article, well written and very good advice. The title reads “Ten things you should already know by KNOW” when I’m sure you meant to put now. Just thought I’d let you know.
Thanks Ben, twice.
Good post. Boy, you really got to Ben, poor guy…
niiiiiiiiiice
You’re weird…whisky and coke? Sacrilege.
Positive web-sight, you have been elevated to “I like it”
Thank you
It’s true, that’s sacrilege. Could I qualify it by saying *blended* whisky and coke?
Let’s actually try and spell whiskey right. You obviously don’t drink whiskey, do you?
@Kate: ‘Whisky’ is correct, simply the Scottish variant.
To quote:
‘A Scotsman who spells
Whisky with a n ‘e’,
should be hand cuffed
and thrown head first in the Dee.
In the USA and Ireland,
it’s spelt with an ‘e’
but in Scotland
it’s real ‘Whisky’.
So if you see Whisky
and it has an ‘e’,
only take it,
if you get it for free!
For the name is not the same
and it never will be,
a dram is only a real dram,
from a bottle of ‘Scotch Whisky’.’
Sometimes opening your mouth isn’t the best, eh.
well done!
I thought it was good to read it and it reminded me to stop caring about the shit in life and to see the good that’s in it. THANKS!
No, thank you.
OMG!!!!! I loooove your blog!!!!!! I am inspired AND infatuated!
Thanks Mackey, but drop the infatuation quick – I’m prone to induce disappointment
I agree with all of them except #10
what about sexy transvestites and actors?? let them wear wigs its good for the planet.
I *knew* #10 would be the most controversial … back to the drawing board!
Matt. I love you.
aw shucks (!)
Stumbled from Ohio. Glad it brought me to this article. Great advice for stuckup people!
I agree with some but am delighted with ALL your suggestions!
Why so? Because they made me think and they made me smile.
As (for different reasons) did the comments from the fundamentalist thinkers who obviously believe THEIR ‘map’ is the territory.
Well, well – go well!
Thanks mikmal. I’m as guilty as the next man of seeing my map as the territory. It’s that presupposition that inspires strong opinions, and lets you presume to write articles with titles like “Things you should know by now”.
Excellent find! My Sister stumbled you and passed it on to me, she is very wise like that. ~ Keep up the great work!
Very wise indeed, and clearly blessed with excellent taste …
I laughed out loud when I read #3. The truth once spoken can be hilarious. All these are great. I’m certainly reading more of your lists.
Nice to have you here, Rokko.
And on a completely unrelated note, my name is also Shay. The boyfriend’s name is Matt… I just just thinking of sending this to him too. I guess its a sign. (I secretly love it when this happens[so don't tell anyone]) It is some good solid advice that I speculate would make our lives a little easier. Thank you StumbleUpon. Good list.
I won’t tell a soul. Thanks for your comment
Loved what you had to say. I am always looking for the positive. It doesn’t always work, but I keep on keeping on.
And keeping on keeping on is all we can keep on doing … good luck!
Matt, I always like what you write, but you’ve outdone yourself here. And I’m sure you meant to say men should not wear “unpowdered” wigs. You know those revolutionary war wigs and tri-corner hats are going to be the next retro fad.
thanks for the mention!
Thanks Josh, and you’re right about the wigs. I wish I’d never mentioned the damned things. My mailbox is full of wig defenders and I’ve done a complete volte-face. My stance is now thoroughly pro-peruque.
Ah but all the wig commentary is hilarious and adds dimension and insight to an already enjoyable blog.
excellent typography!
Oh man this is good. You make me larf. I haven’t got anything remotely witty to say in reply.
Your silence means the world to me. Thanks for your continued support.
This is the wisest crap I’ve read all week.
Oh my god, thank you for lurking me and finally commenting so I can find you! Love this post. Adore it.
Not all is true, I tryed the 8 but my gf almost killed me. I just did try to go to las Vegas with her friends as you said =’(
Alex – an interesting interpretation. I won’t be held responsible for that one …
I really enjoyed the 10 tips, but I enjoyed even more reading your replies to comments!
*feels intense pressure to come up with an interesting reply*
Thanks Jay – much appreciated
It’s so good to find some painful, funny, but obvious truths after wading through piles of feel good bullcrap. This stuff should be taught at schools to prepare those kids for real life. I wish they told me back then.
Yah I would have to disagree with everything except 7 and maybe 6. There have been a lot of studies concerning these points and I think you are missing the point on a lot of them. As for 7, you’re right on, nobody would disagree, including science. 6 is debatable, in a contextual sense. My Pops, he has nothing to lie about; nor do my professors, or they’d lose credability. Contextually, perhaps they do lie, just not to me, which in turn doesn’t matter; as this is a “Get a Grip” site. Therefore, 7 is true, and 6 is true or false depending on your definition of “nobody”. As for the others:
1) What if you are on death row?
2) Faking it –> Cognitive Dissonance –> Depression –> BAD
3) Actually, although one appears to think about oneself a lot, in general, it is in relation to a social context: imagine if you were the only person on the planet, would you still be thinking about yourself? What you should do is stop worrying about others’ interpretations of you. Your “thinking of self” comes from how you think others see yourself.
4) No it’s not, that’s what leads to an inhumane nature. Image if nobody pissed people off, ever. No fighting. Are you condoning WW2?
5) If you feel that “Aspiration is for suckers”, you would not be able to speak the word “aspiration” as it has an /s/ phonome, which requires you to exhale during pronunciation. (Which is what aspiration is).
6) (explained)
7) (agreed)
8-10) Oh please.
1) What if you were a pedantic asshole? If you’re on death row, self-help websites are probably beyond you anyway.
2) Faking WHO YOU ARE -> cognitive dissonance. Pretending to be more confident than you are has been proven to raise confidence when you realise that you are actually capable of things you didn’t think you could do.
3) If you were the last person alive, this whole blog would be pretty irrelevant, since it all pertains to behaviour in a social context.
4) Are you proposing a false dichotomy? Yes, I think you are. It’s not a choice between WWII and complete peace, and to pose it as such is ridiculous. It’s this which make me suspect you’re just a troll, but I’ll continue to respond anyway in case your dangerous ideas infect the minds of any innocent but dumb reader. Anyway, the point is that you can’t stop other people from behaving like an asshole, but if they do you should stand up for yourself.
5) There’s a difference between aspiration and RESPIRATION, fucktard.
6) Fine, let’s go with your pedantry on this one, I cba.
7) “As for 7, you’re right on, nobody would disagree, including science.” Who or what is this ‘science’? Is it a person whose authority you respect immensely? Is it a body of learned individuals? No, it’s a method of deriving theories about the nature of reality through experimentation and logical deduction. The body of scientific research is rarely conclusive, and THIS WEBSITE ISN’T A PAGE ABOUT SCIENCE. I don’t care if you agree, you’re still being a dickwad.
As for 8-10 I’m not even bothering to justify these points, since you can’t be bothered to present even the slightest arguments against them. But thanks, for allowing me to utilize my powers of rationality in the face of your stupidity.
I agree with the “spirit” of the statements, but I have to say number 1 is silly. I had a colleague who shared this exact sentiment with me a few years back. What people don’t realize is that things “sort themselves out” because someone else, not you, is doing the work
He was laid off during the tougher times.
wow! a literary marksman! You hit all your points dead-on and clearly.
All of these are true. love the article. inspiring, in a wayy.
I love this! It’s all true and really helped my day go by a bit better and more optimistic. I like your humor.
Your reply to Sabazius made me laugh out loud.
I don’t mind the wigs, I think you’re just clever.
Reading your statements reminded me of a track called “Sunscreen”. Some guy with the voice of Ronald Regan dispences some advice. Look it up.
There is a Budist saying:- there are great secrets in humour.
We say in the west that laughter is the best medicine. Good work master.
My wife and daughter are off for a week to visit family. Home alone and I don’t need Vegas.
Thanks Fred – it wasn’t me in that Ian/Sabazius exchange up there. I don’t have the ability to be quite so creatively profane.
I’m amused by all the people who are analyzing everything point by point. Some of the tips are serious keepers, others are meant to be goofy. Taken as a whole, the big message is, quit taking yourself so seriously.
Hard not to agree.
“21 year old lifestyle design guru? Hell yeah! Fat, unemployed life-coach? Why not? Homeopathy professional? Whatever, bring it on!”
LOL right on.
A women I know gave me her business card the other day, with the title “life coach”.
I had a really, really hard time not LMAO in her face.
She is 50 yrs, lives in a basement apartment shithole, drives a shit box, and just finished telling me she is considering bankruptcy.
Ya can I hire you to coach my life? LOL NOT!
If the townspeople covered up the hole in the man’s roof to prevent rain, the man would die of dehydration (as he relied on other’s charity for survival)
i don’t agree with the family not coming first. my son comes first, ALWAYS. he is a st. jude patient and i am lucky to have him, as some parents have lost their children. i will always put him above everyone and everything.
You’re almost as cool as Mr Advice Guy. Almost, but not quite.
You should swear more.
“Stumbled” on to your site…funny stuff. Thanks for the laughs.
Looks like some shitty help self stuff again, boring.
I LOVE your blog! Can’t tell you how many times I’ve posted your link to my FB page. Keep up the good work!
Great stuff! #8 has stumped me for years….no matter how I communicate it….I get the business:-) Great job Matt!
I’ll be Facebooking this too. I thought of myself and a hundred other people scattered throughout these few pages. Keep ‘em coming!
YMMD Matt
Like all your points, and you have a certain flair with your writing. Stumbled upon these, and got a little chuckle out of it. That’s always a good thing, right?
i stumbled upon this and i have to say awesome and hilarious! and the blog was even better. some people were so disturbed and some were agreeing and some laughing! i could chill here for a minute.
Great advice, giving it all some deep thought.
Love this! so true and great advice- ill totally use this at my crappy ass job : )
Love this! As a fake motivational speaker, I love it when “inspirational” messages are put in no-nonsense way. We need more of this b.s. free self-help.
Sorry, that was “b.s.-free” as in “free of b.s.” Didn’t mean the post was b.s. Crazy what a hyphen can do to make things clearer.
men should never wear wigs…..unless they do drag
My favorite
Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves
i honestly think most of this is bullshit.
nobody can tell anybody what life is going to be like and facts of life.
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