Dear Bachelor:
Your place looks like shit.
But who cares, right? You rock. And besides, you’re never home. You’re out shinning up the corporate ladder, slugging scotch with your boss and rocking Dior Homme. Who cares that you can’t find the lightbulbs?
And when you’re knocking about in the yard, revving your chainsaw and swigging beers with your just-scuffed-enough Timberlands, clean sheets are just an afterthought.
There’s a pretty cool installation of empty bottles and pizza boxes in your sitting room, a burn mark where your rug used to be, and an array of fungal flora in the bathroom.
YUK.
Frankly, amigo, your place sucks.
You say:
“I’m just not good with that stuff, and I don’t know where to start. I spend all my money on video games and Coors Light and anyway, IT’S JUST NOT IMPORTANT.”
But really:
If you ever want to get laid, it IS important.
So, singletons, here’s how to get yo’ shit together and get your place looking ready to entertain.
If you’ve got eight minutes, you’ve got the makings of a presentable space:
- Pick up your fucking socks.
- If the towel is wet, it does not belong on the floor.
- If it’s empty, it does not belong in the refrigerator.
- If it no longer holds edible food, it belongs in the trash.
- It it’s burned out, it needs changing.
- If it’s wrinkled, it needs ironing.
- If it’s broken and you can eat from it, wear it, sit on it, cook with it, or otherwise do something useful with it, fix it. For crying out loud. Don’t make me call your mother.
But if you’ve already got that hygiene thing down, you need to broaden your view:
- Paint your walls. You don’t have to choose aqua-magento or lime-canary. You don’t even need something your landlord would approve, but ceiling doofs and green tape? That’s a no.
- Re-arrange your furniture. You don’t need to hide your movie collection or move your triple-ply eighty inch plasma to the spare room. But give your friends somewhere to sit. The floor is not an option.
- Buy some draperies. Cheap ones are fine, but hide those god-awful slate blinds you keep forgetting to dust. Your house isn’t a jail. Don’t make it look like one.
- Most importantly, if you have stuff you haven’t looked at in a month, used in three, or even touched in twelve, get rid of it. This isn’t rocket science. Get rid of your crap.
BOSH! SUPER BINGO! New looking place, new life, new opportunity.
You’re smart and creative and capable. And you deserve a kick-ass space. So give it to yourself.
This was written by Erica Swanson. She says:
“I’m an interior Designer. Which is a fancy-pants way of saying I create kick-ass spaces for wickedly cool people. I listen. I translate. I initiate. And then I deliver you You.
I do that with my Design At Your Doorstep services. I help you get what’s in your head, into your space, all at a fraction of the cost of working with a designer in the traditional way. It’s kind of like having your cake and eating it too. Naughty, yes? Because it isn’t about trends or this year’s hottest paint colour or what the Jones’ are doing. It’s about you. And it’s about time.
Oh, and I don’t just hear music, I See Music. Which means I’m not your mother’s designer. Not by a long shot.
Also, if you don’t understand anything I’ve said here, please don’t call me. There is no hope for you.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I have better practical suggestions. I am a slob. There is no denying it. But I am a primo emergency cleaner. This is what I do when someone calls and says – “hey I’m in the neighborhood and thought I could stop by”.
a. Get a giant garbage bag and walk around the ENTIRE area and throw away all the trash.
b Get the largest box or tub or basket you own (laundry baskets are perfect). Pick up everything that remains on the floor or flat surfaces and stuff it – under a bed, behind a closed door, closet, oven, whatever.
c. Put all dirty dishes in dishwasher or if not available, the oven.
d. Pile up paper, books and magazines. Neat piles is best. It looks nicer. Make the piles align with the edge of the surface. Again appearance of intended neatness.
d. VACUUM. This is super important. Vacuum marks make a room look clean. Once people assume its clean, they don’t look too hard.
e. Light em if you got em…If you have candles light em, if not spray the area with a room freshner. Smell makes a things seem clean.
f. Close every door, cupboard, closet in the house. Much neater.
g. Last and least, dust and wipe down surfaces. I often miss this one because I run out of time, but its OK because the vacuum marks distract from the dust.
This entire process can take anywhere from 8 to 20 minutes depending on level of mess and size of space.
NonBeliever — you’re so right! Especially on item (C) and your Double-Ds. Even putting a tablecloth on the table so you can hide the boxes beneath it will work. Glad you spoke up ~
Erica — you’ve got a cute angle; you’ll like reading Naomi at ittybiz.com to grow your small biz… you can train others (for a fee + info products!) and franchise Design on the Dirty, like that VA academy does for VAs. If you’ve got the goods like you got the pitch, there’s gold in them thar hills: get there first.
Thanks Matt — for a fun site — didn’t realize you had guest posters but that’s a very smart move for you, too —
Your bossy-but-right pal,
~GirlPie
PS: Matt, get the “commenter’s last post” plug in to encourage more comments. And the site looks swell.
@TheGirlPie – thanks for your suggestion. And Naomi! Who the hell doesn’t know about Naomi?! She’s got the Biz 101 market CORNERED.
Cheers,
Erica
@Non-Believer – brilliant! Thanks for taking the time to share …
@TheGirlPie – more homework – I’m on to it. And thanks.
The oven! The sacred Deity of mess-gobbling the world over.
There was a moment I thought you were litteraly using my house as the example.. which started to freak me out.. Luckily your description surpassed the horrors here, so I’m kinda glad to know that I’m not alone out there now. That makes me feel better about my place, because apparently it’s a popular kind of style
I’m afraid the getting laid argument isn’t going to be enough to bribe my motivation to stop kicking and screaming though, because there’s nothing wrong with going to her place. I think that’s always the best option by far, even if your place rocks.
Nothing wrong at all.
But if there’s a stuffed animal collection, tell her we need to talk.
Just curious, what’s wrong with slate blinds? They look more modern, but more importantly, they don’t accumulate dust like draperies do.
… over to Erica …
oooo I don’t agree; they simply do a better job of HIDING dust. And you can’t shove them in the washing machine like you can with most soft window treatments.
But BUT! if you’re the diligent sort, there are some gorgeous ones on the market (http://www.shuttersinc.co.uk/blinds/blinds.jpg). What I’m trying to keep you from are these dastardly buckets of ewww (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_VF-oRYrEBtY/SkM_3hgnPRI/AAAAAAAAAek/1jURr8yynYk/s400/ReIMG_6585.jpg).
Double eww.