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Start With Dessert

Dude, start with dessert.

Seriously. DO NOT save the good stuff for later. You’ll be DEAD later.

You spent the last six years cramming for med-school exams, eschewing any semblance of a social life and looking on enviously as your fellow students sank tequila shooters and made out with each other?

“There’ll be plenty of time for that later,” you told yourself.

And as you left the exam hall on the final day, a piano fell on your skull, killing you dead.

Or perhaps you’ve promised to stop for air once the first million’s in the bank? You can hike the Appalachian Trail then, eh? Only you can’t, because you got shot in the face by a disgruntled ex-employee.

This isn’t about hedonism, or dietary irresponsibility. Eat your greens, but if it’s a day when you’re going to have pecan pie anyway, eat it first. If you choke on your spinach, at least you’ll do it with a sugar rush and contented dessert-eating grin on your face.

You have a responsibility TO YOURSELF to make sure that your day includes a decent quota of chocolate muffins, dirty sex, brandy, rock-climbing and assorted fun stuff.

You say:

“I’ll just scour the toilet, call the bank manager and sort through the sock drawer, do my accounts, expenses and interminably heinous data-entry tasks. That done, I’ll spend three hours ironing, pressing, washing and crying. Then, and only then, will I reward myself with a cup of Lapsang Souchong and a copy of Hello!”

Reward yourself? What are you? A dog?

Fuck that. Do the fun stuff first. It makes getting through the rest of the day easier.

And if you do choke on an avocado stone or pass out fatally from bleach inhalation, at least your last day on earth wasn’t without strawberry cheesecake.

17 comments

Get Dressed!

Hey YOU!

You in your silk pajamas, lounging around at home when the world is working! Yes, you! How was your cold pizza breakfast? What you got planned today? A few hours of TV? Check Facebook? Have a long bath?

Yes?

How about you GET DRESSED?

***

And you! Yes, you! Big Winner over there!

You’re BEATING THE WORLD! You’ve escaped the confines of corporate hell! You’re WORKING FROM HOME and THAT ROCKS!

No boss, nobody to judge your staple-sorting skills, just you and your clients who Skype you, a large cup of Joe and your MacBook Pro.

Awesome! But how about you GET DRESSED?

***

“But man, chill the fuck out,” I hear you say. “One of the biggest advantages of working from home is exactly that. I can work in my dressing gown and it DOESN’T MATTER. I’m sticking it to the man.“

Perhaps you are, my sartorially inadequate friend, but you’re not doing yourself any favors.

By not getting dressed you’re not STARTING YOUR DAY. Your day is like a car, and by not getting dressed, you’re freewheeling downhill without starting the ignition.

I LOVE nudity. (You’ll have to read the book to find out more). Naked beats clothed A LOT of the time.

But it’s no good for work. And neither are nightgowns, dressing gowns, bathrobes or slips.

So here’s what you need to do:

  1. Get dressed.
  2. Do exactly what you’re doing now.

And while you’re at it, brush your teeth. Your breath stinks.

7 comments

How To Be 6 Times More Productive in 5 Minutes

So, you want to GET MORE DONE in LESS TIME?

Well done you! It’s simple, and I’ll show you how.

Yes – a concrete, actionable, specific step for doing more shit.

You’ve got a MILLION plans for world domination. They include, but aren’t limited to:

  • Setting up Minnesota’s first holistic spa for retired race-horses
  • Establishing the world’s first organic-knitwear-based telecommunications system
  • Writing your soon-to-be bestseller: “Tug of War – a history of military masturbation“

But something keeps getting in the way.

Your plans remain just plans, scribbled down on various bits of paper that end up in various lint-lined pockets, on bedside tables and underneath those self-help books that you read but never implement.

“The problem is,” you say, “the problem is that there aren’t enough hours in the day. What with taking the kids to their golf-lessons and the dog to the dry-cleaners I don’t get a minute to myself. By nine o’clock when the kids are in bed, and I’m exhausted, it’s all I can manage to not fall asleep in front of the TV.”

Yeah yeah yeah. WHATEVER.

So here’s the solution to not falling asleep in front of the TV, and freeing up three hours of time in your day that you didn’t have before, so you can work on your world-beating plans:

THROW OUT THE TV

Seriously, do it NOW. Unplug the TV, put it in a fucking hole in the back garden and never look at it again.

Have you done it yet?

No?

OK, I can wait.

…

Done it now?

Yes?

Good.

(Liar)

…

So here’s the concrete result:

Your free time to work on patenting your veterinary-goose-inflater, forming your Hungarian chopstick orchestra or reverse-engineering the CT scanner has just increased MASSIVELY.

Where you once only had 30 minutes snatched between Wilhelmina’s Peruvian pottery lessons and Rupert’s mixed martial arts, you now have AT LEAST THREE CONTINUOUS HOURS every day to get stuff done between reading their bedtime stories and hitting the sack yourself.

Not convinced? Happy with your downtime? (Because its OK to chillax and do nothing. It’s OK – I mean that. But if it’s incompatible with where you WANT to be, and where you WANT to be is compatible with WHO YOU ARE, then you need to make some changes.)

Think of your epitaph (that’s the stuff they write on your gravestone).

Would you rather:

“Inventor, writer, industrialist, innovator, polyglot and lover”

or

“Knew the names of the girls in America’s Next Top Model”

Yep. Thought so.

11 comments

How To Make Money – An Idiot’s Primer

So you’ve got this idea that you need more cash.

That’s good.

Cash can buy you ALL SORTS of nice shit. You can go on holiday to exotic places and get drunk with new people. You can skive off work and work on your tan, or make sizeable and soul-saving contributions to charity to atone for the time you spread that rumor about Janice and her younger brother.

But you haven’t got the money yet.

DON’T WORRY! Follow these simple steps and you’ll soon have that elusive “more cash” that you’ve been dreaming off.

1. Work out how much money you need to make.

You probably don’t need millions, unless you’re supporting a debilitating gak addiction, an avaricious ex-wife and a flotilla of eighteenth-century schooners.

To find out how much you need, perform the following exercise:

a) write down how much you’re going to spend
b) add a bit

Bang! There’s your figure.

2. You don’t get rich by saving money, you get rich by making money

“Drop the Starbucks habit”, “brown bag your lunch”, “make your own clothes from banana skins and plastic bags”

You’ve heard all these before. This isn’t advice for making money, this is advice for avoiding starvation.

3. This is how to make money:

Sell stuff for more than you paid for it.

Whatever it is – your time, your barbecue-in-a-box starter kit, your crate of Taiwanese left-footed plimsolls, your body. It doesn’t matter. You sell shit, you win teh dollarz.

4. Luxury is only a luxury if you can afford it.

(or, How To Hold On To Your Money Once You’ve Made It)

If you have to borrow to buy your Gucci dog-collar, or your herb-encrusted Valentino tiara, you are an imbecile. Gucci dog-collars have no place in your home. Your luxury should be a bottle of sherry and the occasional foot massage.

Drop the overpriced rubbish habit. Arrivisme will get you nowhere (arf).

5. It’s all a game.

So don’t take it too seriously.

If all else fails, remember the “money can’t buy you [insert non-tangible asset here]” adage that’s been consoling poor people for years.

Flashing the greenbacks around can get you lots of shit. But it doesn’t get you height, wit or good manners.

You can learn one of those. And the other two don’t matter.

5 comments

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