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Health

Masturbation is not a crime

Beating yourself off? QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!

Masturbation, my friend, is NOT A CRIME (although non-consensual dissemination of semen most certainly is – avoid that.)

Guilt is self-perpetuating. If you’ve been led to believe that touching yourself or unclean or far too much fun for one person to have, then you’ve been misled.

It’s only dirty if it feels dirty, and it only feels dirty if you think you “shouldn’t” be doing it. But there are no shoulds and shouldn’ts when it comes to feeling yourself up – except perhaps for the where.

Do it whenever you like, but don’t do it in aisle four of the supermarket.

That you are free to frot is religious FACT. After all, if God hadn’t meant for us to touch our genitals, he wouldn’t have put them within such convenient reach.

So remember:

Crimes:

  • Torturing farmyard animals
  • Stealing shit.
  • Cruelty to grandparents
  • Forgetting your wedding anniversary

Not a crime:

  • Having a wank

The benefits of the hand-shandy are manifold. Whether you’re just clearing the tubes or relieving stress, be safe in the knowledge that you’re simultaneously combating prostate cancer, dulling menstrual cramps and getting your glorious rocks off.

Sex with yourself is the single safest flavor of sex, so celebrate strangling the snake and let 2011 begin with a flourish of the wrist.

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How To Have More Sex

You know that thing you do where you get home, exhausted after a day of shuffling Very Important Documents for Very Important Clients? The kind of day when your boss has been bellowing halitotic insults in your direction every three minutes and you entertain sadistic fantasies of refashioning his face with a stapler?

The thing you do when you’ve been on your feet since six in the morning, your Humvee’s blown a tire and you’ve spent three of the last four hours cleaning up cat sick?

You know, that thing.

The thing where you sack off a proper dinner, and you and your wife stick a plastic carton of chicken jalfrezi in the microwave, open a bottle of Chablis and collapse in front of the TV?

GREAT, isn’t it?

The. Best. Thing. Ever.

Your day’s burdens drift effortlessly away as you fill your stomach with Delhi’s finest foodstuffs, and your mind switches from ‘on’ to ‘off’ in the time it takes Eva Longoria to stroll minxily down the stairs in her claret negligée.

Bliss.

But you know that other thing? The elephant-in-the-room-thing? The one that you don’t talk about for fear of making it worse. The one where you …

… HAVEN’T HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE FOR MONTHS?

Yep. Thought so.

THE TWO ARE CONNECTED. If you spend the evenings mindlessly shovelling food into your gormless gob, you will have less sex.

***

You say:

“Sure, but but but, it’s nothing to do with our eating habits. The bedroom and the kitchen aren’t connected. The most sex we’ve ever had was on our  honeymoon and THAT’S NORMAL. We don’t even want to have more sex. We’re TIRED at the end of the day. No energy. We work hard. Sure, we might collapse in front of the idiot-box, but even if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be actually, you know, sleeping with each other. That’s for teenagers.”

I say:

Whatever.

***

So this is how you have more sex:

Irrespective of your shitty day, of the bollockings you’ve got about missed deadlines and not bringing in more clients, irrespective of the size of your tax bill and weight of your kids, do this:

  • Turn your chicken jalfrezi out of its packaging, stick it on a plate, and set the table for two.
  • EAT AT THE DINNER TABLE
  • Have a conversation.
  • Don’t fall asleep with your plate on your lap (much easier if you’re eating at a table).
  • Retire to the bedroom after a scintillating and thoughtful conversation that reminds you why you’re married in the first place.
  • Initiate some sweet loving and annoy the neighbours with your amorous yelps.

No Nookie = Vicious Circle = No Nookie.

Alternatively, keep eating semi-prostrate and enjoy a barren future, a widening posterior, chronic constipation and diverticulitis. Oh, and no sex.

EAT MEALS SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE AND HAVE MORE SEX

20 comments

The Ten Second Breakfast

Breakfast rocks. You don’t eat breakfast, you fail. Breakfast is the breakfast of champions.

YOU DON’T NEED REMINDING OF THIS.

It’s in every newspaper at least once a month, telling you that breakfast is the cornerstone of weight-loss, productivity and general all-round awesomeness.

Breakfast-junkies, from Tim Ferriss to Leo Babauta, expound on their aspirational morning routines, which involve getting up at half past two in the morning, meditating, working for eight hours, fixing global warming and stopping wars before a high-energy, low-carb, protein-rich breakfast.

So far so sucky.

YOU need breakfast because if you don’t have it:

  • Your stomach rumbles all the way through your morning meetings and the sexy guy from marketing keeps his distance.
  • Your breath smells.
  • You’re lethargic and slovenly, your work suffers and you lose your job.
  • You’re an irritable bastard, losing the love and respect of friends with each minute that passes

NO BREAKFAST = UNEMPLOYMENT and LONELINESS

With breakfast in your life, you have more energy for your work and your friends, the ability to sustain longer love-making sessions, and better breath. You rock.

YOU DON’T EAT BREAKFAST BECAUSE:

  • You don’t have time
  • You don’t have time
  • You get up too late
  • You don’t have time

You say:

Hang on a second, I don’t eat breakfast because I’m not a morning eater. I really don’t get hungry until about the middle of the morning.

I CALL BULLSHIT!

You know when you go on holiday, or you’re away on a business trip and staying in a lush hotel that serves just about everything you could want to eat? You know those times? You know how you ALWAYS manage to eat breakfast in those situations?

Yeah, thought so.

SO – HERE’S HOW to make breakfast in less than ten seconds:

  1. Open cereal, pour into bowl.
  2. Pour on milk.
  3. Eat

OR

  1. Open oatmeal (porridge where I come from), pour into bowl.
  2. Pour on hot water, leave to stand.
  3. Eat.

BANG! BREAKFAST.

Viva A New Life Complete With Morning Meal!

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Work to your own timetable!

Trouble managing your time? Difficulties getting things done? You need this. This is TIME MANAGEMENT 101.

These two simple steps will improve your quality of life, make you more beautiful, funnier and more popular.

You, today:

  1. Can’t prioritise properly
  2. Don’t finish things
  3. Bad timekeeping
  4. Overwhelmed by your to-do list which seems to never end
  5. Poor personal hygiene and a slightly dodgy diet as a result of points 1-4

You, tomorrow:

  1. On top of your shorter, improved to-do list
  2. Know exactly where you are and where you need to be
  3. Always finish what you start
  4. Have loads of free time
  5. Swan around town like a louche aristocrat, perfect hair, slightly tipsy and a gaggle of admirers clinging to your every word

HOW? Like this:

Time Management Basics Step 1: Do less.

Don’t do stuff for the sake of it. Trim, prune, cut back, decimate, CHOP.

Fifty percent of the stuff you do doesn’t need to be done. Do you NEED to go shopping for a NEW STUFF when you should really be GETTING RID OF STUFF? You already own too many shoes. Half the shit in your kitchen cupboards is perfectly edible but hasn’t been touched in weeks. You never even got round to opening the last eighteen books you bought, so don’t go on a book-buying trip.

What about that to-do list you’re going to write? Do you need to write it? Or will you just ignore it like the last one? Either do what you’re going to do, or don’t do it. Don’t plan and plan and plan. Just do it.

You don’t need to take on whatever you’re taking on. You only THINK you need to do what you’re about to do.

BANG! Fifty percent of your day reclaimed.

Time Management Basics Step 2: Take longer over things.

Yes! OK, revelation coming:

MOST DEADLINES DON’T MATTER.

See that thing you need to do? Put it off until tomorrow. What’s the worst that can happen?

You:

Oh golly, I really need to get five blog posts up every week or the world will fall apart!

Me:

I’ll do my next blog post when it suits me, mmkay?

Now, it’s not OK to let people down, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But the less you promise, the more time you win, the more you deliver.

BANG number two. You now have more time for personal hygiene and going to the gym.

You rock.

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