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Health

Tired? Get some sleep!

For God’s sake man, GET SOME SLEEP!

What are you doing collapsed on the sofa, biscuit crumbs in your lap, semi-consciously channel-surfing in the hope that you don’t “miss anything”?

Your wife nudges you and says “stop snoring” and you respond “I’m not asleep!”

What are you? Six? You want to stay up late because it’s cool?

RUBBISH! GET YOUR REST!

The benefits of sleep:

  • The ability to safely operate heavy machinery, such as tractors, industrial printing presses and wind-turbines
  • Clear-headed decision-making, protecting you from the cunning whiles of timeshare salesmen, insurance agents and boiler-room penny-stock vendors.
  • Glowing skin that will get you noticed by talent-scouts and soon have you on the front-page of glossy magazines
  • The only opportunity you’ll ever get to legitimately cheat on your wife with Eva Longoria, albeit in a dream

So, it’s late, your tired. Here are your choices:

  1. Stay where you are, watch a series of semi-clad women pretend to talk to you on the phone whilst performing surprisingly repetitive stand-up, sit-down, take off shirt actions, then switch to watch a bearded man subtitled by a sign-language interpreter instruct you on the atomic make-up of a rock, before catching the tail-end of an eastern European film set in an industrial estate.
  2. Go to bed.

Option 1 = waking up at three o’clock in the morning with a stiff neck, dribble all over your chin, fully clothed and wide awake. You crawl to bed, neglect your personal hygiene and wake up three hours later in the middle of a sleep cycle. You suck.

Option 2 = THE WIN! You wake up early like an eager bunny and grasp the day by the bollocks.

GO TO BED = YOU WON’T MISS A THING = WORLD DOMINATION

1 comment

Embrace your hangover

The problem with hangovers isn’t the sore head or the niggling nausea.

The REAL problem with hangovers is the insistent knock-knocking of non-specific guilt.

Guilt about having offended somebody, or made a dick of yourself.

But also (and this is the bit to drop RIGHT NOW), guilt about being “unproductive” and useless as you potter about feeling like your digestive system is inverted.

YOU took a decision to get drunk, to let your hair down and, most likely, to enjoy yourself.

NOW take a decision to indulge your hangover. This is the price to pay for a good night on the sauce.

DO NOT COMPLAIN. DO NOT MOAN.

YING/YANG, ACTION/REACTION, DRUNK/HUNGOVER

The world won’t stop if you put on a weepy film, eat ice-cream and drink lemonade all day long. Give yourself permission to have a day off.  Guilt will eat at you, given a chance, so tackle it head-on.

“Hello Mr. Hangover. Nice to see you. What a perfect excuse for doing nothing.”

***

Disclaimer – if you’re over twenty-five and experiencing hangovers more than two or three times a week, ignore this advice and get some real help. You need it.

6 comments

Drink more water

You probably don’t drink enough water.

You’re probably a little dehydrated.

Make life easier for yourself.

Drink more water.

You’ll feel better.

Start now. Stop what you’re doing. Let go of the mouse. Stop aimlessly searching the internet and pour yourself a large glass of water. Open your mouth. Pour. Swallow. Repeat.

There. Easy. Innit?

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