So, you want to GET MORE DONE in LESS TIME?
Well done you! It’s simple, and I’ll show you how.
Yes – a concrete, actionable, specific step for doing more shit.
You’ve got a MILLION plans for world domination. They include, but aren’t limited to:
- Setting up Minnesota’s first holistic spa for retired race-horses
- Establishing the world’s first organic-knitwear-based telecommunications system
- Writing your soon-to-be bestseller: “Tug of War – a history of military masturbation“
But something keeps getting in the way.
Your plans remain just plans, scribbled down on various bits of paper that end up in various lint-lined pockets, on bedside tables and underneath those self-help books that you read but never implement.
“The problem is,” you say, “the problem is that there aren’t enough hours in the day. What with taking the kids to their golf-lessons and the dog to the dry-cleaners I don’t get a minute to myself. By nine o’clock when the kids are in bed, and I’m exhausted, it’s all I can manage to not fall asleep in front of the TV.”
Yeah yeah yeah. WHATEVER.
So here’s the solution to not falling asleep in front of the TV, and freeing up three hours of time in your day that you didn’t have before, so you can work on your world-beating plans:
THROW OUT THE TV
Seriously, do it NOW. Unplug the TV, put it in a fucking hole in the back garden and never look at it again.
Have you done it yet?
No?
OK, I can wait.
…
Done it now?
Yes?
Good.
(Liar)
…
So here’s the concrete result:
Your free time to work on patenting your veterinary-goose-inflater, forming your Hungarian chopstick orchestra or reverse-engineering the CT scanner has just increased MASSIVELY.
Where you once only had 30 minutes snatched between Wilhelmina’s Peruvian pottery lessons and Rupert’s mixed martial arts, you now have AT LEAST THREE CONTINUOUS HOURS every day to get stuff done between reading their bedtime stories and hitting the sack yourself.
Not convinced? Happy with your downtime? (Because its OK to chillax and do nothing. It’s OK – I mean that. But if it’s incompatible with where you WANT to be, and where you WANT to be is compatible with WHO YOU ARE, then you need to make some changes.)
Think of your epitaph (that’s the stuff they write on your gravestone).
Would you rather:
“Inventor, writer, industrialist, innovator, polyglot and lover”
or
“Knew the names of the girls in America’s Next Top Model”
Yep. Thought so.
So you’ve got this idea that you need more cash.
That’s good.
Cash can buy you ALL SORTS of nice shit. You can go on holiday to exotic places and get drunk with new people. You can skive off work and work on your tan, or make sizeable and soul-saving contributions to charity to atone for the time you spread that rumor about Janice and her younger brother.
But you haven’t got the money yet.
DON’T WORRY! Follow these simple steps and you’ll soon have that elusive “more cash” that you’ve been dreaming off.
1. Work out how much money you need to make.
You probably don’t need millions, unless you’re supporting a debilitating gak addiction, an avaricious ex-wife and a flotilla of eighteenth-century schooners.
To find out how much you need, perform the following exercise:
a) write down how much you’re going to spend
b) add a bit
Bang! There’s your figure.
2. You don’t get rich by saving money, you get rich by making money
“Drop the Starbucks habit”, “brown bag your lunch”, “make your own clothes from banana skins and plastic bags”
You’ve heard all these before. This isn’t advice for making money, this is advice for avoiding starvation.
3. This is how to make money:
Sell stuff for more than you paid for it.
Whatever it is – your time, your barbecue-in-a-box starter kit, your crate of Taiwanese left-footed plimsolls, your body. It doesn’t matter. You sell shit, you win teh dollarz.
4. Luxury is only a luxury if you can afford it.
(or, How To Hold On To Your Money Once You’ve Made It)
If you have to borrow to buy your Gucci dog-collar, or your herb-encrusted Valentino tiara, you are an imbecile. Gucci dog-collars have no place in your home. Your luxury should be a bottle of sherry and the occasional foot massage.
Drop the overpriced rubbish habit. Arrivisme will get you nowhere (arf).
5. It’s all a game.
So don’t take it too seriously.
If all else fails, remember the “money can’t buy you [insert non-tangible asset here]” adage that’s been consoling poor people for years.
Flashing the greenbacks around can get you lots of shit. But it doesn’t get you height, wit or good manners.
You can learn one of those. And the other two don’t matter.
SICK of your colleagues? Find your friends TIRESOME and PEDANTIC? FED UP with the perpetual same-old same-old carousel of life?
Yes?
TAKE THE BUS!
By jumping on public transport instead of motoring yourself around in your battered Oldsmobile, you will:
- Meet new people!
- Bolster your immune system!
- Improve your energy levels!
- See more stuff!
- Learn new things!
Does your day look like this?
Troubled sleep – shower to shake the mind-shit from your brain – Smarm FM radio in the car – snarly boss – loathsome colleagues – brown bag lunch – afternoon peppered with ennui – slow, solitary drive home – TV dinner – repeat ad nauseum …
Yes?
Then take IMMEDIATE ACTION!
Starting tomorrow, leave the car at home, and jump on public transport. Whether it’s the bus, tram, train or subway, the rules still apply!
You’ll see benefits immediately! But don’t take my word for it, read these testimonials:
“Before taking the bus, I used to be afraid of poor people. Now, I realise that they’re just like me (but without the Jimmy Choos).”
- Amanda Dell’Agincourt
“I used to drive into work every day. The commute, even in good traffic, was an hour and a half. It was taking its toll on my physical health. I was growing a gut and my hemorrhoids were agony. Now, I get the train. It takes half the time and, because I can never get a seat, my leg muscles are stronger and my piles have disappeared.”
- Harvey Lump
“This time last year I was lonely. I lived alone, worked in an office alone, and drove to work alone. My best friend was the dude at the video shop. One morning my car broke down and I was forced to take the bus. I tripped as the bus pulled away from traffic lights, and fell into Sean’s lap. We’ve been living together for six months and now I’m now pregnant with twins.”
- Natasha Duff
“I used to be frustrated that I couldn’t see over my neighbour’s fences from my low-slung Chevy Citation. Now I take the bus, and I can see straight into my neighbour’s windows. It’s great!
- P. Tom
Join a tribe of people just like you! Take the bus today and turn your life around!
You’ll be able to:
- Read more!
- Safely send text messages to loved ones!
- Shut your eyes!
- Get drunk in the afternoon and not worry about having to drive home!
What’s YOUR favorite thing about public transport? Leave your answers below.
1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow
Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out.
And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning, you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem.
2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, so you can too
Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT, amigo.
21 year old lifestyle design guru? Hell yeah! Fat, unemployed life-coach? Why not? Homeopathy professional? Whatever, bring it on!
Choose your path, and then Act As If You’re Wearing A Cape.
3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you
Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now. But I bet you are.
4. It’s OK to piss people off
But if you’re pissing everybody off, all the time, it’s time to stop being a dick.
5. Aspiration is for suckers
(arf)
6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time
So lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.
We men lie about our alcohol consumption all the time.
When we’re young and say we had six beers, we probably only had three. Nowadays, if we say we only had three beers, you can be sure it was closer to six.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love you
7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves
There was a little man with a lame left leg. He lived on the outskirts of town in a tumble-down house. He had a hole in his roof, and water would come in day and night. His lame left leg meant he couldn’t go out to work, so he survived on the charity of others, who would give him scraps of food. Sometimes he would go for two days and nights with nothing to eat. One day, the town council decided to fix his roof. The little man with the lame left leg became the happiest person you have ever seen. He was so grateful to be dry that he would smile and sing for the passersby all day long.
***
There was a healthy, beautiful woman who lived in a huge house with six servants and manicured lawns. But alas, she was permanently angry, because Jeannine, that bitch, had told her that her handbag was so last season.
8. Your family comes first, but not to the detriment of everything else
You want to go out with the girls? Tell your husband to make his own dinner. And gents, you don’t need permission for that once-a-year trip to Vegas, you just need to communicate it properly.
9. You’re wrong as often as you’re right
So don’t dwell on either.
10. Men should never wear wigs
