Get the book!

Perfect for you, your useless husband or your slovenly wife!

CLICK HERE!

Workplace

Take The Bus

SICK of your colleagues? Find your friends TIRESOME and PEDANTIC? FED UP with the perpetual same-old same-old carousel of life?

Yes?

TAKE THE BUS!

By jumping on public transport instead of motoring yourself around in your battered Oldsmobile, you will:

  • Meet new people!
  • Bolster your immune system!
  • Improve your energy levels!
  • See more stuff!
  • Learn new things!

Does your day look like this?

Troubled sleep – shower to shake the mind-shit from your brain – Smarm FM radio in the car – snarly boss – loathsome colleagues – brown bag lunch – afternoon peppered with ennui – slow, solitary drive home – TV dinner – repeat ad nauseum …

Yes?

Then take IMMEDIATE ACTION!

Starting tomorrow, leave the car at home, and jump on public transport. Whether it’s the bus, tram, train or subway, the rules still apply!

You’ll see benefits immediately! But don’t take my word for it, read these testimonials:

“Before taking the bus, I used to be afraid of poor people. Now, I realise that they’re just like me (but without the Jimmy Choos).”

- Amanda Dell’Agincourt

“I used to drive into work every day. The commute, even in good traffic, was an hour and a half. It was taking its toll on my physical health. I was growing a gut and my hemorrhoids were agony. Now, I get the train. It takes half the time and, because I can never get a seat, my leg muscles are stronger and my piles have disappeared.”

- Harvey Lump

“This time last year I was lonely. I lived alone, worked in an office alone, and drove to work alone. My best friend was the dude at the video shop. One morning my car broke down and I was forced to take the bus. I tripped as the bus pulled away from traffic lights, and fell into Sean’s lap. We’ve been living together for six months and now I’m now pregnant with twins.”

- Natasha Duff

“I used to be frustrated that I couldn’t see over my neighbour’s fences from my low-slung Chevy Citation. Now I take the bus, and I can see straight into my neighbour’s windows. It’s great!

- P. Tom

Join a tribe of people just like you! Take the bus today and turn your life around!

You’ll be able to:

  • Read more!
  • Safely send text messages to loved ones!
  • Shut your eyes!
  • Get drunk in the afternoon and not worry about having to drive home!

What’s YOUR favorite thing about public transport? Leave your answers below.

20 comments

The Thing About Job Security

Hey hot property!

Look. At. You.

Eight years at med school. A specialization in neuro-proctology, four years of training and NOW YOU ARE THE MAN.

or the woman

You studied hard, young buck, like your mother taught you. You didn’t NEED the spankings and the wallopings and the threats of “making nothing of your life” because you were DRIVEN.

You sweated over homework assignments and you gave up climbing trees with Stacey in order to get your dissertation on the common-or-garden-vole in to the teacher on time. You got a gold star and a smiley face EVERY WEEK.

And in time you graduated, and you qualified, and you passed your nine month induction period. Then you toiled, brown-nosed and impressed enough to make partner. And now you are. And you drive a Beemer.

The family holiday in the Bahamas, and you get to see them at weekends.

Phew.

***

Or maybe this wasn’t you.

Maybe you didn’t find it easy. Maybe you found it really, really tough. Tough to concentrate, tough to learn, tough to perform. It’s not that you didn’t want to do well, it just didn’t come naturally.

So you resigned yourself to not making partner, to not being a doctor, to doing WHAT YOU KNEW YOU WERE CAPABLE of.

And so every day you go to work. It doesn’t turn you on, tweak your nipples or goose you unexpectedly in the night. It doesn’t light up your day, and it doesn’t light up your eyes.

BUT it’s not SO BAD.

In exchange for eight hours debeaking chickens, ladling gravy, mowing lawns or shining shoes, you get WHAT’S IMPORTANT:

Evenings with your family, and food in your kids’ mouths.

Phew.

***

And then this happens:

  • Some French dude in a German bank does something he shouldn’t and your customers stop spending money. You never even met this guy, but apparently you have to go.
  • The Texan guy with the cigar you only ever see in the parking lot sells something to a minor Saudi royal. Infuriatingly, this means you’re no longer needed.
  • Your boss elopes with Sharon from audit. He’s replaced by Jeremy. Jeremy doesn’t like you. You have to go.
  • Some fat guy spends all your pension fund and falls off a boat. You have to go.
  • For any number of reasons, all beyond your control, and many beyond your understanding, you have to go.

***

So you’re out of a job. And it’s somebody else’s fault.

OR

(…)

You work for yourself.

So you’ll never be out of a job.

Sure, you might be short of clients, or struggle financially, eat spaghetti hoops for a year or any number of things. But you won’t blame somebody else.

(OK, so I’m still looking for the solution to stop your savings being wiped out when your Icelandic bank goes under, but I haven’t got an answer for fucking everything.)

***

So amigo, your homework:

5 comments

Go on vacation

Your effectively managed home and your effectively managed life and your effectively run family and filofax system make you feel good about yourself.

  • Nothing ever gets on top of you.
  • Every day, you wake up and slip into your morning routine, ticking boxes and adding and subtracting from your to-do list. Your inbox gets to zero, then goes up to fifty, then goes down to zero again.
  • Bills are always paid on time because you’ve got a kick-ass “how to pay bills” system. Your credit-card debt has been paid off, and you can afford a couple of meals out each week.
  • You’re smug.

Now comes the fun part: the accumulation of monetary wealth.

You’ve got no debts, so you build your slush-fund.

You build your slush fund by:

  • Working a little bit longer each day
  • Taking on a second job, perhaps in the evenings
  • Walking to work instead of taking the bus
  • Giving up on some of those small luxuries: meals out, coffees, drinks with friends, gym membership, anything that makes life worth living.
  • Sending your kids out to work in a coal-mine
  • Murdering your husband for his life-insurance payout

By not taking a holiday, and not going abroad, and not leaving for a phone-free vacation, you can add to your bottom line to the tune of a grand or two a year. AWESOME!

Awesome?

No: sucky.

Gee, hon, I’m really stoked we’ve got our retirement savings up to a comfortable six-figure amount.

Yes, I sure hope we’re alive to spend it.

GO ON VACATION. TAKE A HOLIDAY. SPEND SOME OF YOUR MONEY ON THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT MONEY IS EARNED TO BE SPENT ON.

Give yourself permission to grab your sandals and bermuda shorts and hit the beach, climb a mountain, eat strange foods in strange places.

Ride a donkey.

Have some fun.

4 comments

It’s not about the money

Dude, it’s NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.

Yeah, well, shit. There you are with your Ferrari and your business partnership and your sixty-five employees and your coke habit and your dangerously clogged arteries and five kids you know about.

You’ve been married to your first wife twice, your second wife left you and the third is an alcoholic. Your house is SPOTLESS because you employ three people to come and clean up after you. The swimming pool doesn’t get used much, but the gym looks REALLY COOL, even if it’s not very functional.

You did some AWESOME deals last year. You brought in more new business than anybody else in the firm. You’re looking at a VERY high six-figure bonus this year. The hours are long, and you’ve got a permanent ache in your left shoulder. Your piles are particularly aggravating, but it’s a small sacrifice for that HUGE PAYCHECK.

Another three years, you reckon? Another three years, five at the most, before you can start to take it easy. By that time, you’ll have banked a few mill and the company will be running itself. You can get childcare for your toddlers. They need their mum more than their dad, anyway.

Then, once you’ve sold out, you can fuck off to the Caribbean and have your first gin and tonic at eleven in the morning.

That’s the life. Just another five years, ten at the most. Then you’ll be free.

3 comments

← Previous Entries